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stop.drop.listen

"If you're not busy, could i ask you something?

"i'm working on this project where i essentially approach people i don't know and have them talk to me about anything they want. Anything. i just want to know what's on people's minds and give them a chance to forget about maintaining pretenses that society demands. i don't have to know your name or anything; Just talk to me.

"So... Could you spare me some of your thoughts?"

Monday, 15 February 2010

The Second Stranger

She was sitting on a bench outside in the 30-degree weather with black Ugg boots and a T-shirt--no jacket. She didn't seem to have any work with her, nor did she have the anxious facial expression of somebody waiting for an appointment--just a strange look of pensive surrender. She was to be my next target.

I started walking in her direction. She somehow sensed me, and she looked up at me with apprehension.

"Hey, could I ask you something?" I lead, as usual.
"Um... sure, but I can't talk for long."

I voice my usual introduction (as transcribed in the header of this blog).... "So. Spare me your thoughts."

"I hate Valentine's Day. It sucks, and everybody is overly romantic and broadcasting it everywhere I go--on the internet, supermarkets with those damn balloons and flowers. Everywhere I go, I'm bombarded with love and romance. And it's not because I don't have a boyfriend. I never liked Valentine's day even when I had a boyfriend. Whether I do or not, I'm always disappointed. Every time this day comes up, I just get pissed off and I can't wait until it's over. I just hate it."
"Is it the commercialism?"
"I don't like the day in general. The commercialism helps in pissing me off. But the imminence and prominence of this stupid day just offends me."

We sat there in silence for a bit. Was there anything else on this girl's mind?

"Is that all that you've been wanting to get off your chest?"
"I suppose so..." she responds with an apologetic look on her face.
"Okay. Thanks for your time, and I hope you can make it through this stupid day."
I smiled, got up and started to walk away, when she called out: "Wait!"
I turned around. She says, "I lied. I don't think I'm done." I sat back down. Her eyes told me she was about to entrust me with a whole lot of secrets.

"I had agoraphobia for the longest time ever. I got teased really badly, like all through elementary, middle, and high school, about my appearance. So I actually started believing that I was dangerous to the outside world. I believed I was so disgusting that if I were to go outside, that people would be harmed. Like, people would actually be offended by my appearance. I was petrified of going outside because everybody was disgusted by me... absolutely judging me, and just being repulsed by me. Every day, I was just completely depressed. I was really spiritual, too, so I would pray all day, everyday, in my head, for death. I felt so miserable, and the depression wasn't affecting just my emotions, but my physical health too. Day to day, it got so difficult. How I picked myself up through all this was when I reached my lowest point. At night, it was the worst. I would just cry a lot. I didn't eat anything, either. I had an eating disorder. And... strange things happened to me at night, too. I would have these weird tremors...? It started from my stomach, but I would shake everywhere. I would be trying to go to sleep, and I would just suddenly not be able to stop shaking. I would grab onto my bedpost because I couldn't stop shaking. It kind of feels like when you're outside, and you feel cold. I had no food, no sleep, and I was just so depressed and felt so disgusting.

"But then I started exercising a lot. I did pilates and yoga 7 hours a day. If I didn't do that much, I felt like a bad person. During this time, I lost 30 pounds in 2 weeks. I also had really long hair, and that was the first time I ever really cut it short. I cut all my hair off. It's not that I was better, but that no matter how many times I begged my parents that I wanted their help, they just kept ignoring everything like, 'Every teenager goes through this, you don't have any problems.' I just felt so abandoned in a sense. Nothing I did stopped the thoughts. It wasn't until after I felt abandoned by my family--and also by God--that I realized that no one else is there. You can only be there for yourself. I just couldn't live like that anymore. Not that it was really a choice, but I just couldn't go on living like that. And people started acting a lot more different towards me. Physically, I was a lot more different. I was skinnier, my hair was shorter, my skin was clear, I got glasses that didn't make me look stupid. But I didn't have any hormones. I didn't even get my period. That's when guys first started hitting on me. But when I would receive a negative comment, it meant that much more. It was so much more amplified than before, and I was so easily put back into that mindset, where I was before.

"Negative comments don't bother me anymore, unless they come from somebody I really care about or something. A lot of issues that I have right now with myself and from what had happened before. I have a lot of problems expressing myself, like how I feel... When something bad happens, I don't have very good coping skills. I didn't know how to handle situations so I usually overreact so much in my mind that I can't even do anything. I feel as if I'm so boxed that I try to compensate it in my mind. It's not that I don't care about it, but I feel as if I just can't handle it anymore that I don't know what to do.

"My biggest problem now is just my anger. Because I don't know how to cope with things very well, things resurface. If you don't deal with things, they resurface, you know? And... I just feel so overwhelmed. I don't know, I get a lot of anxiety attacks, too. Quite frequently when I'm by myself. I mean... so basically, not that I blame my parents or anything, but I feel like if I had gotten help back then, I wouldn't have as many emotional issues as I do now."

I told her about the counseling center on campus and gave her their number, asking her to please call them tomorrow.

"I think I will." She smiled.
"So, why are you outside now in this freezing cold without a jacket?" I asked.
"I know this sounds kinda lame, but it's nice to be shaking from chills rather than from weird nightly anxiety attacks." She laughed. "It's also nice to be out in public without feeling like people are disgusted by me. I mean, you approached me, didn't you?"

Monday, 25 January 2010

The First Stranger

After days of seeking out individuals and chickening out at the last second, i finally managed to talk to my first Stranger and ask them about their life..!

Before i begin, i want to briefly explain more about what i'm doing. This blog is based on the Social Penetration Theory, a communication theory about relationships that assumes that 1) relationships progress from nonintimate to intimate; 2) relational development is generally systematic and predictable; 3) relational development includes depenetration and dissolution; and 4) self-disclosure is at the core of relationship development.

i'm acting in opposition of this theory.

i want to test the Social Penetration Theory and apply it to the real world--more specifically, i want to observe the "stranger-on-the-train" phenomenon. This phenomenon is the spontaneous self-disclosure (the purposeful process of revealing information about oneself) people sometimes engage in. How often have you sat next to a stranger on the train, bus, or plane, and have them talk to you about anything and everything? Researchers still don't know why people do this.

Yesterday, i was walking out of the student center. It was around 10 pm, raining. i saw a lone figure standing by the fountain in front of the building, braving the rain with only his hoodie. He seemed like the perfect Stranger...but i suddenly became intimidated by the prospect of what i was about to do. This really takes courage--or a foolish lack of inhibition, i realized. Later that night, i saw a girl sitting by the windowsill in the staircase of my dorm observing the downpour outside. Another perfect Stranger. But considering she's somebody in my own dorm building, would she have felt comfortable, i.e. wouldn't i be running into her often? After minutes of deliberation in my own room, i decided to go talk to her--only to find that she had already left.

All day today, i was observing people around me. Students had their thumbs hooked on their backpack straps, walking at a fast pace to their next class. The ones who were by themselves, i noticed, had the most indifferent and stoic facial expressions. Just an hour ago, i was walking back to my dorm. Along the way, i passed by a guy sitting down at a table. It's time to do it, stop chickening out, i thought to myself. i first sat down at a table away from him, and then i swiftly walked over to him and sat in the seat across from him.

"Hi. Do you mind if i talk to you about something?"
"Oh... Sure?"
"i'm doing this project where i basically go up to people i don't know and have them talk to me about anything they want."
He's silent, with raised eyebrows. My nervousness grows.
"So... you look like you've got something on your mind. Is there anything you want to talk about?"
"Like... about what?"
"Anything."
"Anything?" he repeats, eyebrows raising higher.
"Yes, anything. Heartbreak, relationship problems, family issues, school problems..."
He laughs. "Wow. Okay."

He tells me that he's on his lunch break, and can only spare about five minutes. That's fine, i say. Anything will do.

He then tells me about the constant worry he has about getting a job--it's all he can think of. He's currently a graduate student in his last semester. He's hoping to get his Ph. D. in Structural Engineering. He's been applying to jobs here and there, with some interviews, but no offers, and it's been worrying him. "This recession is insane," he remarks. "I cannot get a job anywhere, it's driving me crazy." He's been sustaining himself by working at the dining hall i was passing when i saw him. This particular dining hall is known on our campus as a "late-night munchies" eatery, staying open until 2 am. I ask him how that is. "It's a bit tiring, and we get some really rude people late at night, but i'm getting money for it. It's all about the money. Family wants me to make money, society tells me to make money, what can I do without it?" He's been working there for about 2-3 semesters now, and is planning on working there until he gets a job in designing skyscrapers, building bridges--structural establishments that will be his legacies.

Goal for the second Stranger: talk to him/her for more than 5 minutes, and perhaps reveal something about myself. Reciprocity is important in self-disclosure. You tell me your secrets, and i'll tell you mine. Also, perhaps delve deeper? Let's see how far i can push the limits, should there be any at all.

Of course, they may be lying. i may be lying. But i'm trusting in the vulnerability that lies in everybody--the vulnerability of wanting a listening ear, somebody to talk to without fear of their judgment.
---
Definitions and descriptions of theories and terms have been taken from Introducing Communication Theory: Analysis and Application, by Richard West and Lynn H. Turner.

Note: i keep my "I"s lower-cased on purpose as a metaphor indicating that the focus is not on me, but rather on others.

Thursday, 21 January 2010

Harborage

i approach strangers and talk to them. You will see their responses & reactions on this blog.

i have started this blog in accordance with a university course i'm taking to focus on an area in which i have a particular interest or expertise. My interest is people, and my expertise (and ambition) is breaking boundaries; subsequently, i came up with the idea to approach people i don't know very well. It seems a bit risky, and i'm well aware that i may get rejected and/or judged. i don't mind. i am an open shoulder, a listening ear, an embracing arm.

i suppose this is similar to PostSecret or BlogSecret, but a more interactive and personal approach.

So, beware. If you are sitting idly at a bus stop or reading a book by the lake, i just may sit down next to you.

i will ask people of their troubles, dreams, ambitions, and heartaches. Anonymity is a given, but if they don't mind their names being disclosed, then so be it.

Stop what you're doing, drop your pretense, and let me listen.

Look for a post by the end of next week..!